All of my friends are out being awesome/artsy/partying it up tonight and I got all dressed up & ready to go to go join them (b/c of #fomo -fear of missing out), but then I sat down on the couch and was like "Who am I kidding? I should fucking sleep. lol." So I made some tea, popped my meds & am hoping to drift off to la la land and put an end to this zombie phase!
I am only human with one body and one life, so I better take great care today, so I can be my crazy self again tomorrow. 🙂 "I can do anything, but not everything. I'll take my time, one step at a time.." 😴💕 GOODNIGHT LOVELY HUMANS ✨ Believe it or not, I bought all of this stuff for a total of $10 at the #99cent store. I could care less about brand names, but I do try to scope out quality products. As an artist/student, I shop primarily at Trader Joe's for healthy food products/produce & the 99cent Store for care essentials. 🔹I save 💵✨so I can spend more time doing what I love & with the people I love 💖#ballinonabudget
It's 5am. I've been having trouble sleeping all night. All week, actually. All month, actually. But especially during this period power week. Also, the weather here in California has been really odd & extreme. It was raining heavily a few weeks ago -the most it has in many years, and now it feels hot & dry like summer weather. These are the sad effects of climate change. The flowers started blooming (yay!) and my allergies started suck (boo!) &.. as I lie awake in bed, I feel hot and cold at the same time/I feel sick, but I don't have the flu? 🤔 More pimples are bombarding my face, & my head and body aches. I feel overwhelmed & am trying not to cry on a daily basis -not because I am ashamed, but simply because I hate how puffy my eyes get and then I get more frustrated, etc. ..Is it the full moon? I don't know. I'm also questioning the validity of my depression. Thoughts of things said by ignorant people to gaslight or invalidate people with mental illness, ptsd, and the struggles of women of color.
School has been a real struggle these past 2 weeks, but I know I'll get through it. I'm a little behind on my work, but I just need to rest when I can and work extra hard. I've gotten through so much worse. Last year was so much worse. And the other years that trauma x & trauma y happened, I also survived. So, with that in mind, I will survive this week and hopefully thrive next week.. & YOU WILL TOO 💖 Have a nice day. Ps: I took this pic yesterday afternoon & it gives me comfort. 🌻 TBH I've been feeling shitty with the cramps and fatigue, but I am so happy to be alive and #NotPregnant! Many, many thanks to Planned Parenthood Action for providing me with virtually free birth control care. I am seriously grateful, especially for those times I could not afford healthcare and for educating me about my reproductive health & rights when my Asian parents refused to do so.
"No Hanky-panky!," was all I ever got for sex-ed. Lol. For a long time when I was little, I also thought babies came naturally from a mother's stomach. Since I was a C-section baby, I thought everyone else was delivered like that, too..HAH! A cesarean section delivery is actually quite a dangerous (for the mother and baby) & profitable process (for the hospitals and insurance companies) -I'll explain this and the Business of Being Born in another future post..) Also, FUCK THE STIGMA of menstruation. Sad-Girl Fact: Girls in Papua New Guinea are shamed and sent to isolated menstruation huts when on their period :-( Menstruation is a natural and beautiful process. Fuck all of the insecure dudes that aren't MAN ENOUGH to be supportive during a woman's POWERFUL time of the month. FUCK the TAXES on feminine products. Guys get condoms for free.. why can't women get free, or at least affordable, sanitary napkins? Infinite love to all of the #periodpower babes, with-or without a uterus! (S/O to the lgbt homies <3). Love to all of the #woke men that are happy to run to the store and buy tampons/pads for a woman in need :-) Hello friends, how are you doing today? You don't have to say "fine" unless you actually do feel fine (if that's the case, I'm so happy you are happy 🙂).
Earlier today, I had a break during my classes and got to enjoy a mango smoothie while admiring the clear, sunny sky. But then not too long ago, I felt anxious as I had some triggering thoughts enter my mind. I said to myself "YOU ARE SAFE." And then I cried a little bit, which is completely normal and OK. I'm still trying to calm myself, but I am already feeling better again. (I've taken the liberty to retreat to an isolated safe space of a piano practice room.)🌻 Anyway, I hope your day is going well. U R LOVED 💖 #youareloved #anxiety #trauma#depression #yellowstainedblue Shout-out to all of the strong women, feminine peoples, trans, & all of the #periodpower babes of the world! 💪👵🏽💕
You put up with all of society's sexist misogynist BS (lower wages, social constructs, sexualization, having to play dumb so that butthurt males don't project their insecurity by calling you a "bitch," having to smile and be silent as a survival tactic, having to look pretty-but not too pretty, not being allowed to voice your anger or opinion in general, having to work harder and more hours to be respected, having to think twice about what you say or do because it might offend machismo sexist males/might inspire them to harass or assault you and then have them say "you asked for it," having to deal with institutionalized sexism and lack of protection from the government and police, unachievable beauty standards, dehumanization, etc.) and yet... You continue to bless this earth with your existence, fight the fight, and shine your light! ✨✨✨ You are valued! You are appreciated! You are bold, beautiful, & perfectly imperfect just the way you are! 💖💖💖 #walanghiya#fightlikeagirl #woc My #selfcare for today. 😋
Not pictured: the nutrient-packed fruit & veggie smoothie I prepared for breakfast. 🍎 Pictured: Delicious #tacos that I had for lunch! 🌮✨ 🔹This week is #NEDA National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. S/O to all of the strong, powerful, & beautiful#survivors out there- I am proud of you! ✊💖 Growing up, I had issues with my body image just like every other female in this beauty-obsessed society. Thankfully for me, I never had a severe eating disorder like many people I know, but I did have periods of intense psychological self-shame, guilt, and self-hatred for feeling that I had eaten too much, or after having treated myself to less healthy foods. Despite being slender overall, I didn't think I was beautiful and mistakenly perceived the necessary fat on my thighs and tummy as flabbiness and ugliness. (An ex-boyfriend once had the nerve to tell me that I should exercise more because I wasn't toned enough. Mind you, I was 115 pounds and standing 5'3 & 1/2 at the time.) I did try the fads of "tasting" my food and spitting it out so that I didn't gain weight, and I actually did try throwing up a few times. Despite never having truly developed an eating disorder, I shouldn't have even felt the pressure to try these dangerous actions.. the precursors to #bulimia, #anorexia & addictions (to exercise, medications, drugs, etc). During the periods of #depression in my life, I simply had a lack of motivation to eat healthy or even eat at all. In addition to loosing interest in my passions and past times, I lost enjoyment in my absolute favorite foods and lost the ability to appreciate sensations and of different flavors. My perception of life became grim - "Why should I take care of myself when life is pointless?," I thought. Fortunately, my current relationship with food is healthy again. Having an appreciation for food, finding pleasure in eating, and loving my favorite foods again is a reflection of my steady path to#growth, #recovery, and #selflove. I am thankful that I can find joy and wonderment in my senses and all that life has to offer. 🔹What are YOUR favorite foods? 🔹 I love pad thai, pho, veggie curry, mediterranean food, pumpkin ravioli, rice & beans, in-n-out... lol.. everything!! 😜 Happy eating everyone! 😊 -Yellow Stained Blue I stumbled upon this entry in my laptop notes which I apparently wrote last October during the fall 2016 school semester. I had withdrawn from school in the middle of last semester because I was overwhelmed/suffering from long overdue PTSD and had to finally confront my feelings. (To anyone out there who feels like they need a break- fucking take that break and take care of yourself, no matter what anyone else says.) That decision was so difficult for me because I had worked so hard to get to where I was at and was worried everyone would see me as a failiure. Let me tell you, taking the break was one of the best decisions I made. I let go of my aspirations to take care of my basic health - I enrolled in exercise classes, journaled, read books, sought therapy, and medication even though my conservative loved ones advised against it. I realized that "being strong" can mean letting go or taking a step back, rather than holding on or pushing yourself to the limit. It takes courage and maturity to seek help. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. Coming back to school this semester, I was very worried that I would "fail" again. I remembered all of the things people told me ("don't you drop out again!"). I felt all of this pressure to "get over it"/to heal ASAP. And now that it's only been 2 months into my schooling, I am amazed at just how much I have progressed -mentally and emotionally. At the time I felt stuck, I didn't think it was possible to get out of such a funk as I had felt hopeless for such a long time. I am still really exhausted and have a lot of growing to do, but am much more hopeful now that I've been able to explore my traumas through art and in a safe, supportive space. I know that there will be more ups & downs in life, but I am extremely grateful for the new waves of happiness and change that I am experiencing right now -for all of the kind/understanding people that surround me & that validate my feelings/experiences, and for my overall current circumstances which are much better than all of the hell my twin sister and I experienced last year. Since this school year started, I have been writing music again & am now exploring old loves like journaling, creating visual art, and poetry -which has led me to the creation of this Yellow Stained Blue project. I want to create a safe space for marginalized people to share ideas, to create a habit for myself to express my own voice to discover and re-affirm truths, and to speak up for others instead of staying silent and afraid. Ultimately, my goal is to goad honesty, empathy, and healing -to birth beauty from brokenness. Thank you for reading. Stay tuned, Yellow Stained Blue |
About the Author/WHO EYE IZ!!I am the mysterious omniscient presence that wants to be your supportive friend! I am simply, yet extraordinarily: an infinite human being sharing my thoughts & discovering truths with all of you awesome people. Archives
May 2017
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