I stumbled upon this entry in my laptop notes which I apparently wrote last October during the fall 2016 school semester. I had withdrawn from school in the middle of last semester because I was overwhelmed/suffering from long overdue PTSD and had to finally confront my feelings. (To anyone out there who feels like they need a break- fucking take that break and take care of yourself, no matter what anyone else says.) That decision was so difficult for me because I had worked so hard to get to where I was at and was worried everyone would see me as a failiure. Let me tell you, taking the break was one of the best decisions I made. I let go of my aspirations to take care of my basic health - I enrolled in exercise classes, journaled, read books, sought therapy, and medication even though my conservative loved ones advised against it. I realized that "being strong" can mean letting go or taking a step back, rather than holding on or pushing yourself to the limit. It takes courage and maturity to seek help. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. Coming back to school this semester, I was very worried that I would "fail" again. I remembered all of the things people told me ("don't you drop out again!"). I felt all of this pressure to "get over it"/to heal ASAP. And now that it's only been 2 months into my schooling, I am amazed at just how much I have progressed -mentally and emotionally. At the time I felt stuck, I didn't think it was possible to get out of such a funk as I had felt hopeless for such a long time. I am still really exhausted and have a lot of growing to do, but am much more hopeful now that I've been able to explore my traumas through art and in a safe, supportive space. I know that there will be more ups & downs in life, but I am extremely grateful for the new waves of happiness and change that I am experiencing right now -for all of the kind/understanding people that surround me & that validate my feelings/experiences, and for my overall current circumstances which are much better than all of the hell my twin sister and I experienced last year. Since this school year started, I have been writing music again & am now exploring old loves like journaling, creating visual art, and poetry -which has led me to the creation of this Yellow Stained Blue project. I want to create a safe space for marginalized people to share ideas, to create a habit for myself to express my own voice to discover and re-affirm truths, and to speak up for others instead of staying silent and afraid. Ultimately, my goal is to goad honesty, empathy, and healing -to birth beauty from brokenness. Thank you for reading. Stay tuned, Yellow Stained Blue
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Season 1, Episode 17. "Will proposes a black history class be instituted at Bel-Air Academy, and gets a surprise when Aunt Viv arrives to teach it." My highschool history books were shit -#alternativefacts to my asian history, a biased, white-supremacist perspective, a lack of representation of all minorities.. Same goes for the racially-biased standardized tests. Those stupid questions about yachting?? No wonder lower-income/minority students had difficulty with these questions. I am grateful for the ethnic studies college courses that I've taken. They've opened my eyes to the truths of my culture and of racism in America. If only everyone could know the truths of our racial history, learn to empathize with those suffering under racism, & understand that the current socioeconomic circumstances are a result of past injustices. If only everyone could read Peggy McIntosh's "White Privilege and Male Privilege" essays.. Let us not stop to celebrate #PoC on a mere monthly basis, but all throughout our daily lives. Here's to #blackhistory ✊🏾🌻And to all of the red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, & brown histories. <3 (2/24/17)
This morning I woke up from a horribly traumatic and terrifying nightmare. I've been waking up these past few days sort of loopy and confused. I've been mixing up the days and feeling fatigued, yet antsy. And I feel scared sometimes. But I'm doing great. I know I am. I don't know why I feel like crying. And now.. I am crying as I type this lol. I really hope this is just hormones or something. But the truth is that I'm still in recovery. Although I've been feeling much happier lately, I'm still going through PTSD. And that's okay. There is nothing wrong with me. This doesn't mean I'm going backwards. I don't know why I feel sad sometimes -what it's about exactly. But I do think it's all these years of suppressed feelings coming out.. so that I can be truly free from all of the stored pain. Also, it's only been a month since I started feeling improvement. This is expected. Things aren't going to make sense or feel just peachy all the time. Healing takes time. My body is healing itself. I had a thought while I was in my happy streak these past weeks.. I had this fear something bad was due to happen because I've been feeling fine. I remember how at the start of last year -when I came home from an intense christian conference over the winter and after having rededicated my life to Jesus & forgiving my parents and my brother for everything again and whatnot... I felt elated and had hope that things would get better. But they didn't. Things just got worse and horribly wrong out of no-where. I thought I could be a testimony for God's goodness -His greatness. But no, he laughed in my face. And I felt hurt and angry. And then I turned my anger into sadness and shame within myself/against myself for believing in & getting furious at a non-existent entity. "Maybe I am 'crazy, foolish.. and worthless' as others have called me," I thought. A year later... I realize no matter how many good deeds you do, no matter how much you sacrifice or care for others, life does not treat you in accordance to the frequency of your acts of kindness (or acts of evil.) Aside from the effects of white supremacy, a male-dominated world, religious brainwashing, etc.. (actually the traumas I have endured are a bi-product of these things) Bad things can sometimes just happen to good people. Sure, you can learn and grow from bad/traumatic experiences, but that's not to say that those events were destined by a metaphysical source. Many times, irresponsible humans can commit evil actions affecting other humans. Plain and simple. It's not your fault. You never "asked for it." Playing Quija board that one time isn't the reason why you were sexually assaulted or hit or or stalked or kicked out of your house. (A pastor once pointed out the Hasbro Quijia board game as a possible culprit to me. lmao/smh). YOU can get through this episode of sadness and confusion. Your feelings don't accurately represent your circumstances. "YOU ARE SAFE." I tell myself. It's the depression and anxiety. This is part of the healing process. It is normal. You are normal. You are not crazy. I promise. YOU’VE gotten through so much.. so much worse. You're in a better place now. A healthier state now. Feel peace in that fact. You will survive.. and thrive. ✨✨✨ PS: Saying words like "fuck" or the honest expression of religious discontent doesn't make you a bad person (even though stupid judgmental people have told you that). #notetoself #notetoeveryone Hello friends!
Have you ever felt like shit, yet begrudgingly smiled your way through life? Sometimes forcing yourself to merely "be positive" or "fake it till you make it" doesn't always work -especially when the problem is that others around you are too impatient to understand your pain and are simply rushing you to "get over it." When others tell you to "be strong" they don't understand that you ARE strong and have been this whole time having survived traumatic experiences. Do yourself a favor and allow yourself to scream/curse, cry, be silent, frown, rest, treat yourself, punch a pillow, run around in circles, journal/write an angry letter/blogpost, ignore the ignorant advice and criticisms of others, etc. I used to always feel the need to please others and be cheerful for them all the time. I was taught that "serving others before yourself" is honorable, but I would do so to the point where I neglected myself and started blaming myself. It also wouldn't help that I was sometimes surrounded by narcissistic people who took advantage of me and made be believe I was being a "selfish girlfriend" or "ungrateful daughter" if I didn't do what they wanted me to do. I felt like people would think something was wrong with me if I was seen "moping around." I would have flashbacks to the times that people accused me of "playing a victim" or called me "selfish" or a "bitch" for feeling unhappy and hurt. Newsflash: It isn't selfish to express your true feelings and be honest with yourself. I've slowly learned to reject the lies I've been told and now know that "It's okay to not feel okay." Acknowledging and accepting the issues at hand was the only way for me to find real solutions, and finally, true moments of peace and healing. ☹️/🤕/😐/😡/😭 = 🆗🙂👍💕 #expressyourself #thereisnothingwrongwithyou #thereisnodeadlineforyourhealing Unity, 2017. Highlighter on paper. 🎏The concept: Isolated pink square + blue square unite in harmony and create a center of families. 🙂
Let us unite no matter our skin color, our gender/non-gender, sexual orientation, religious affiliation, political party... and become one human family. 💖 ps: #blackyellowbrownrainbowlivesmatter Hey there, Beautiful! :-) Happy Feb. 14th a.k.a. "Just-Another-Normal-Day-of-the-Year".. Day! <32/14/2017 First of all.. Fuck Valentine's Day 😀 -it's just another capitalist consumer trap!! If anything, I think everyone should wait till post Valentine's day to buy all their favorite heart-shaped chocolate candies on sale! ☺️ Secondly, everyday should be Valentine's day.. everyday we should live with the intent to love and care for one another/treat each other with kindness. 🌻 Lastly, you are a perfectly imperfect & wholly valued human being all on your own! You don't need anyone to live a beautiful & fulfilling life. Your worth isn't determined by others. Have compassion in your heart for yourself and for all of those around you. 💕 Love, Yellow Stained Blue |
About the Author/WHO EYE IZ!!I am the mysterious omniscient presence that wants to be your supportive friend! I am simply, yet extraordinarily: an infinite human being sharing my thoughts & discovering truths with all of you awesome people. Archives
May 2017
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